Да.

Вот снег выпал. Вот небо стало ярче, а пейзаж приятнее глазу. Вот мне кто-то пишет. Вот пар изо рта от теплого дыхания морозным вечером..

I want to see you cry bitch.

I want to see you cry bitch!!!!!111111
Everything you ever loved is bullshit, i never Cared, i never fucking cared.
You should have listened to the people you Fucked behind my back (theyre right) i'm a monster
And dont you think of ever showing your face here again, or ill rip it off and feed it to the hounds.
I could never emphasize how much i just wish you were fucking skinned alive.
And im glad the world is ending, no longer will I be plagued by the thought of you.
I will finally breathe again, with my soul at rest.
Quit your fucking bitching, once the skin is gone you wont feel anymore.
This is for the good of the world, so quit your fucking complaining.
You are the subject of my elegy, you are the topic of my eulogy.
You are the ashes scattered across this shit wasteland.
Hell will welcome you with open arms.

I'll remember everything.

Думаете, что я буду переживать из-за вас, сволочи?
Оу, это, конечно, громадный шаг в попытке поговорить со мной. Но есть одна маленькая, почти незаметная поправка. Я ВАС НЕНАВИЖУ. Мне ДИКО ПОХРЕН, что вы все делаете, что чувствуете и испытываете. Почему двадцать человек втихаря читают этот блог? Почему небо голубое? Земля круглая?


Вон пошли.

..

Вы лучше со мной не разговаривайте. У меня завышенная самооценка. Мало ли, что.

Summer 78

Меня начинают раздражать люди.

Очень сильно раздражать.

Выбешивать.

Выматьвать.

Давить на мое сознание.

Логику.

Привычки.





Я устала от вас..

Или даже.

Бывшие когда-то радостными, голоса одиноко висят на шее. Что же тут сделаешь. Утро такоя яркое, свежее, пахнет морозом. Конечно, да. Пока что шучу. Смеемся.


Когда-нибудь я обязательно спрошу у Бога, почему все вот так и никак иначе. Почему я не умею принимать решения. Почему я всегда своим появлением делаю только хуже. Бог, расскажи мне, почему луна ночами такая яркая, почему чужие слова приходят в голову, одиноко пошатываясь. Почему я в детстве любила выкидывать с балкона бумажные самолетики, а теперь вообще захожу туда только для того, чтобы снять с веревки джинсы, покрывшиеся инеем от холодной ночи.

Расскажи мне, Бог, почему я умею так точно причинить боль хорошим людям.

Когда я умру, спрошу тебя обо всем, о чем только можно было задуматься в той жизни, что ты мне подарил.





И как жаль, что я тоже умею плакать. Когда меня чем-то задевают. Наверное, я правда что-то не очень понимаю.

The Bitter End

Почему-то все всегда не так, как, наверное, должно быть. Мы закрываем глаза на очевидную боль других людей, почти не пытаясь их выслушать. Вообще ничего не делая.

Почему я умею убить человека просто словом. Любым.


Приветствуй меня каким-нибудь белым снегом, запутавшимся в голове. Я не помню, как нужно успокаивать.

Суметь бы вдохнуть побольше..


Мне всегда начинает ломить суставы, когда я делаю кому-то больно. Я не умею просто замолчать. Всего лишь взять и замолчать. Самой плохо -- сделай другим.


Это получается даже в том случае, если я не хочу. Совсем не хочу. Господи, как же мне плохо. Дыра размером с каждую клеточку организма. И я не могу дышать, потому что воздух в вакуум не просачивается.


Мне очень больно. И все рядом такие же. Но живые.

Search for the moon

I lay on the floor
They asked me what I do tonight
It answers
Search for the moon

No, don't follow him
Swallow him, swallow em
Swallow it

I swear I will be good to you
I swear I will be good to you
I swear I will be
I will be

Time come hold me back
I'll dream of what I've dreamed of
And I dream of what I call love

Robot Command Centre

Очень не люблю бродить по улице в полном одиночестве. Мне становится плохо от всего, что я вижу. И даже там, где на свежем воздухе пахнет каким-то отвратительным табаком, который медленно выдыхает из беззубого рта седой старик, которого дома никто не ждет. Потому-то он и стоит здесь, на улице. Один. Всматривается в лица прохожих, оценивает.
А я вот иду мимо, с каждым шагом мои ноги все сложнее отрывать от земли. Воздух становится неимоверно тяжелым, сломанным, и мне так просто им подавиться..
Но я двигаюсь дальше, становясь почти деревянной от мыслей.


Мне нужно больше есть.. Опять исхудала..




И вот я вернусь. Суставы почти не сгибаются. Ноги-руки отваливаются. Ложусь на диван лицом вниз, и встать будет сложнее, наверное, почти невозможно. Почему мне так сложно общаться с людьми. Как же мало нужно некоторым людям для счастья. Чудовищно мало.



Почему я кажусь всем старше? Мне же чуть меньше, чем через месяц, исполнится 17. Всего лишь 17 лет. А я вас уже не понимаю. Вам же нечего рассказать, не о чем думать, вы не умеете решать хоть какие-нибудь вопросы. Только спорить, ругаться и ревновать. А зачем вам это надо? Ну зачем?

Кстати, солнце.. Как же давно я не гуляла с людьми.






Я очень люблю людей.

Mr Gaunt Pt 1000..

I fell in love with you
But I know that's just a sky
I don't know where I go....

Hort ihr mich

Ich will dass ihr mir vertraut
Ich will dass ihr mir glaubt
Ich will eure Blicke spuren
Ich will jeden Herzschlag kontrollieren

Ich will eure Stimmen horen
Ich will die Ruhe storen
Ich will dass ihr mich gut seht
Ich will dass ihr mich versteht

Ich will eure Phantasie
Ich will eure Energie
Ich will eure Hande sehen
Ich will in Beifall untergehen

Seht ihr mich?
Versteht ihr mich?
Fuhlt ihr mich?
Hort ihr mich?

Konnt ihr mich horen?
Konnt ihr mich sehen?
Konnt ihr mich fuhlen?
Ich versteh euch nicht

Ich will

Wir wollen dass ihr uns vertraut
Wir wollen dass ihr uns alles glaubt
Wir wollen eure Hande sehen
Wir wollen in Beifall untergehen - ja

Konnt ihr mich horen?
Konnt ihr mich sehen?
Konnt ihr mich fuhlen?
Ich versteh euch nicht

Konnt ihr uns horen?
Konnt ihr uns sehen?
Konnt ihr uns fuhlen?
Wir verstehen euch nicht

Ich will

Диссоциативное расстройство личности.

С того момента, как я появилась на этой планете, я постоянно нахожусь здесь. Постоянно. В этом доме. На этом месте. Иногда выхожу на улицу. Жадно вдыхаю грязный воздух. Странно, что у меня не течет носом смола, когда я, замерзшая и расстроенная, иду домой, каждым шагом вбивая себя в асфальт, словно избивая. Отпуская.. Я не могу ждать. Не могу говорить. Не могу думать. Ты словно живешь во мне. Но, видимо, тебе плевать. Я хочу сходить с тобой в кафе. Или просто куда-нибудь. Погулять. Поговорить. Это же чертовски здорово, разговаривать с тобой. Мне нравится быть твоей подругой. А тебе моим другом, видимо, не очень. Или что.. Может, я просто запуталась. Как обычно, запуталась. И не понимаю ни слова, словно мы с тобой из разных стран, разговариваем на разных языках. Мне это все осточертело. Пошли гулять. Пошли гулять. Пошли гулять. Пошли гулять, а?..

SHE SITS. SHE WAITS...

SHE SITS. SHE WAITS.

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All we are.

In three months and a day your homes will plague you
Your paychecks will haunt you
And your love life will own you
This is it
We'll expect the cost (we'll expect the cost)

Spring does not exist, neither does Jesus
To whom inquires first
While you sit their praying hard to a god that doesn't exist
As your head follows down
It's in your mouth
Forty years, into nights
Child this will end your life
Forty years, of your life

A bad taste
A terrible sense of smell
Fool yourself
For the books your children bleed for

Were going to throw the burning bodies
Down the wishing well...

During a raping
You can't get back your pennies
During a raping you can't hold yourself on trial

All we are, are fitter men
Cast us as violent
All we know can't hold us back
Beautiful children with wreck less hands
Will doubt them...

She waits.

Who would of known?
To the lips of a failed writer
To crash a cup of wine
To throw a toast to an islan that's slowly sinking
I can almost hear you
Hear you crying
Momma you are killing yourself
Momma what can I do?
And I'll be the one putting pins into my fingertips
Only to erase the memories
And to laugh when I think what my father did
She sits
She waits
She toasts her prayers
Not speaks of them
Momma you are killing yourself
Momma what can I do?
She sits
She waits

.

"Растворяюсь. Затворяюсь в комнате. Заколачиваю все двери,
Все окна..
Перехожу на сугубо личностное пространство.
Умиляюсь, натыкаясь на твои фотки. Разбиваю все зеркала,
Все стекла.
Я стекла..
Я стекла в растаевшие сады, где можно наклониться и пить воду из ручья,
текущего по земле.
Совершенно честно. Прости, что я пишу все это тебе.
Наверное, тебе стало бы лестно, если бы ты это когда-то узнал. Ты, наверно, устал.. "

Мои мама и папа были влюблены с 15 лет. В ту ночь, когда мой отец умер, мама слышала, как что-то ударило в окно, когда она лежала в комнате. Я спросила ее, что это было. Без сомнения, она сказала:"Просто папа рассказывал мне, что он будет смотреть и ждать "






Сегодня должен был быть день рождения моего друга.
Он умер 3 месяца назад. Он знал о болезни, которая убивает его, но не хотел пугать меня.
Сегодня я нашла более 300 писем, которые он написал для меня после того как узнал, что умирает..

"Здравствуй
я так давно не говорила с тобой
и уже почти ничего не знаю о тебе
не знаю, о чём ты думаешь по утрам, выкуривая первую сигарету
наверное, ты давно не вспоминал меня

здравствуй
я так давно не смотрела в твои глаза
что я, кажется, забываю, какого они цвета

здравствуй
а я иногда думаю о тебе ночами
недавно мне приснилось наше лето
я не знаю почему и к чему это

здравствуй
мы так давно не гуляли вместе
что я уже забываю, что такое держать тебя за руку
забываю, как можно чувствовать твоё дыхание

ну, здравствуй
а знаешь, я помню, меня ты тоже когда-то любил."

Just what are you trying to say?

SIT DOWN!
Return to sender, I've fallen off the hint of suggestion.
Unlearning the strange devices of the world.
It's the end of the earth or something like it, like it.
The great universal coma has arrived.

We are holding our hands towards the sun.
Sit down, come on sit down. Let's break out the shotguns, we're going to town.
Return to sender, carried straight from the womb to the grave.
Your eyes have been paled to emptiness.
All things have been carved out by the unceasing haunts
of this, the Great Manipulator!

The holding of our hands upwards and around the eclipsing sun
has become empty and automatic.
Sit down, sit down, come on sit down.
Let's break out the shotguns, we're going to town.
Let's break out the shotguns, we're going to town!
You've given us user friendly grenades! Just what are you trying to say?
Just what are you trying to say? Just what are you trying to say?
Just what are you trying to say? Just what are you trying to say?
Just what are you trying to say? Just what are you trying to say?
Just what are you trying to say? Just what are you trying to say?

The holding of our hands upwards and around the eclipsing sun
has become empty and automatic.
Sit down, sit down, come on sit down.

The holding of our hands upwards and around the eclipsing sun
has become empty and automatic.
Sit down, sit down, come on sit down.

Let's break out the shotguns, we're going to town!

I Don't Know.

Time can kill the greatest of men. Even the strongest find themselves on the floor. It doesn't have to be this way. Time keeps moving on and on. Fragile time can not waste again. Fragile time can't be laid to rest. Fragile time can lead you to the grave or fragile time can start eternity. It kills their walk, I watch them wash away. It's all worth while time goes on.

ВПУСТИ МЕНЯ.

Чертовски огромное количество счастья.


У меня есть собеседник -- разве это не потрясающе? На самом деле, я не нарадуюсь. С ним так интересно. У нас много общего. И он пишет грамотно. Конечно, да, со мной переписывается не мало личностей. Но что от них толку? Ни на грамм. Я пытаюсь помочь им справиться с трудностями. Морально. Но они не слушают мои слова, как бы я не пыталась их утешить. Из меня бы получился очень хреновый психолог, потому что как только кто-то говорит, что с ним случилось нечто плохое, меня заклинивает и я начинаю дико переживать и волноваться.


А тут все так прекрасно. Рабочие будни, учеба, сон. Много всяких прелестей. У меня есть руки, ноги и вообще немало такого, чего нет у других.

Разве это не здорово? По-моему, это потрясающе -- наслаждаться и ценить то, что у тебя есть, а не корчить из себя вечно умирающее создание.


Я тут вычитала, что прикасаясь к чему-нибудь, мы посылаем в мозг импульсы, идущие со скоростью 200 километров в час.






Я очень люблю людей. Мне нравится их слушать, рассуждать вместе с ними, подмимать настроение, разговаривать. И жить мне тоже очень нравится. А ведь человеку так мало надо для счастья -- всего лишь тот, кто сможет стать тебе другом.

Good Evening Mr. Q.

Вот уж никогда бы не подумала, что все на свете так просто и изысканно. Мне почему-то всегда казалось, что во всем должен быть какой-то особенный, мало кому понятный смысл. А вот нифига, как оказалось на практике. Все мальчики любят девочек, что поглупее и понаивнее, но с красивой мордашкой. Все девочки любят странных, необразованных, нерассудительных парней, но таких, за чьи спины можно спрятаться. У всех свои заморочки.



Я наблюдала за солнцем. Оно освещало мою улицу, согревая тела людей, сумевших выползти на асфальт из своих домов, оторваться от кравиатур, расстаться с теми, кто надоел. Я наблюдала за солнцем. Его лучи плавили моё сознание, но оно давало мне весомые толчки для того, чтобы встать и идти.


Я не хочу грустить. Мне нравится разговаривать с людьми. Я люблю сшушать. Понимать. Вчитываться. Гулять.



И я опять как очередной ломаный риф Кристофера Арпа.

Sorrow To My Door

Не имеют значения закутанные в тумане люди. Я читаю, а холод долбит по рукам россыпью мурашек. Часы опаздывают. Я измеряла все прочитанные строки, замирала, смотря в зеркало, умирала, замечая в толпе. Наверное, просто повезло. Скоро все мы начнем утопать в сугробах. И это паршивое молчание. Раздражает, раздрадает, РАЗДРАЖАЕТ, ПРОСТО БЕСИТ.



А с другой стороны, кто-то что-то говорит. Кто-то что-то делает. Мне даже интересно. Я сижу, приоткрыв глаза, читаю, отвечаю. Да-да. Осколками на части разбиваются руки, отвечая. Не говори мне комплиментов, я потом не усну. Со мной разговаривают все тараканы, все привидения, каждое отражение. И мне страшно хочется на все забить.



Доброе утро, планета. Я возвращаюсь с того света.